Mood Watch - 30

I was on the road for much of December and had neither the time nor inclination to post much on this blog. But I suppose I’m overdue for an update on the status of my biochemistry.

As far as I can tell, I’ve been on a pretty even keel since my last Mood Watch post, except that from December 10 through December 26 I tended to sleep more than usual and often had real trouble waking up, almost as if I were drugged (which, aside from the usual depakote and lamictal, I wasn’t). This was all the more surprising because for most of that time I was in the company of good friends and was doing work I enjoy. And besides that, as a general rule I have always tended to sleep less than usual when traveling. Yet at no point did I feel depressed.

The most I can say is that now and again I wished, as I often do, that I didn’t have to fool with this stuff. I mean, I’m appreciative of the fact that as mood disorders go, mine is comparatively mild; also that life holds far more severe challenges. But I mean, jeez, this has really gotten old. Bipolar disorder once had the virtue of at least being interesting. Not any more.

Mood Watch - 29

An inability to sleep more than two or three hours at a stretch has replaced that long spell of hypersomnia. Taking a nap here and there mitigates this a bit, but I’m still managing only about five hours’ sleep out of every twenty-four. The good news is that I’m energetic enough to catch up on a lot of things, and I have no trouble focusing on my work (distractibility is a symptom of hypomania and therefore one of the things I watch for). The bad news is, I’m managing only about five hours’ sleep out of every twenty-four.

Last week I had a routine consult with my psychiatrist. I briefly reviewed my mood and energy level over the past month. She wrote the usual prescription for my meds. A thought occurred to me, something I’d heard somewhere. I asked, “Is it true that this illness tends to subside with age, that I’ll ever get beyond it?”

She eyed me sympathetically. “No,” she said. “No. You never will.”

Mood Watch - 28

Sorry to have been away for so long. The month has pretty much been a blur of trips and conferences, which partly explains the dearth of posts. But I’d be less than candid if I omitted to say that I just haven’t felt much like blogging. Although I’ve never regretted taking up this blog, in the nature of the case I’m putting myself and my struggles out in public, and sometimes I don’t feel up to the task.

In fact, I briefly flirted with the idea of dropping this particular blog. God knows I’ve got so much going on that I’ve had to set aside my other blogs temporarily, and indeed, I suspect I will have to put one or more of them on hiatus. But a couple of days ago I received an email that reminded me of why this blog may be the most necessary of any I’ve undertaken.

It came from an undergraduate who had a course with me last year. Because I’ve been public about my bipolar disorder, he felt that he could approach me about his suspicions that he might have something similar. I don’t know whether or not that’s the case, but based on the symptoms he reported, I encouraged him to visit his family doctor and see if a referral to a psychiatrist was warranted.

It occurred to me that his emailing me, a relative stranger, suggested that he had no one else in his life he could approach on this matter, and that if I had kept silent about my illness, he might well have felt completely isolated. In the end, it always comes back to the same stark question: What kind of man do I have guts enough to be?

As for my mood, I can’t recall a time when I have been so busy and yet so easily exhausted. Excepting the brief period I recounted in my previous Mood Watch post, I’ve geared up to do the things I needed to do, and got them done, and then craved nothing but sleep. Except for a few days last week, it didn’t even feel like depression, just a general, unyielding fatigue.

Things got back to normal — or at least what I insist on regarding as normal — two days ago. And what impressed me is that whereas these shifts in mood often seem unrelated to my circumstances, with this one there was a clear connection, and I’m beginning to discern a pattern I’ve hitherto overlooked (or maybe disregarded) between a certain area of my life and these shifts in mood. I don’t mean to be mysterious, but at this point I see no need to get into specifics. It’s just that I’m reasonably sure that this area of my life has become complicit in my depressive spells, and that’s something I’ll have to address.

Mood Watch - 27

I’ve been getting a little less sleep than usual lately: maybe 5-6 hours at a time. I think this is mainly due to an upcoming conference for which I’ve been the principal organizer. Especially as the date gets close, there are a lot of last minute details to handle or reconfirm and a few little fires to put out. Otherwise I feel pretty good, and have been since about October 29 or so. If you compare this to my previous Mood Watch entry, you’ll see how suddenly I emerged from that period of hypersomnia. That’s classic for me: abrupt drops in mood, abrupt recovery of mood. In an odd way it’s reassuring, since it underscores the biochemical nature of the disorder.

Mood Watch - 26

It’s been over two weeks since my last post, and my situation continues to be much as I reported it then: sleeping more than usual and having trouble waking up. To that I would add that my energy level and what might be called my mental coordination are much less than usual. The phrase “mental coordination” is something I picked up several years ago from a psychiatrist after hearing me describe the way in which bipolar disorder generally affects me. It seemed to him that I often had mild depressive episodes whose main impact was to reduce my ability to think as quickly and creatively as I can when I’m feeling more myself.

That’s pretty much how it’s been for the past three weeks. I can’t seem to get much done. When called upon to give a lecture, manage a meeting, etc., I function okay — in fact I would say few people can tell any difference. But whereas usually such experiences are energizing, I walk away from them feeling anything but.

The principal good news is twofold. First, aside from the symptoms I’ve described I don’t feel actively miserable. Second, I had a physical exam recently in which I checked out surprisingly well. I say “surprisingly” because I am within a few weeks of my mother’s age at the time of her death, and seven years older than my father at the time of his first heart attack (by the time he was my age he’d had a quadruple bypass).

I’ll be curious to see if I’ve rounded the corner just yet. Several times now I have felt as if my energy level were returning to normal, only to find myself mistaken. I think I’m starting to improve again, but have no way of knowing until it happens.

Mood Watch - 25

Still feeling OK except that a couple of days ago I began sleeping more than usual: I got drowsy easier and had trouble really waking up. Other than that, not much to tell.