Mood Watch - 13

I’m still getting less sleep than usual — only about four hours last night — but otherwise seem okay. That is to say, I detect no grandiose thoughts, flight of ideas, pressured speech, distractibility, or “excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., the person engages in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments).” I did rent a 10×10 space at a self-storage place a mile or so away and I just now dropped $300 on two four-drawer filing cabinets, the idea in both cases to help myself get better organized. If that sounds nuts, so be it.

While I’ve been sleeping less, I sure don’t feel refreshed after only a few hours’ sleep, which is the hallmark of that particular symptom. On the contrary, sometimes I get drowsy and doze off, albeit only for a couple of minutes at a time.

Ordinarily I take only Depakote (a prophylactic against hypomania) and Lamictal (an anti-depressant), plus, if necessary, Ambien CR (a sleeping medication) at night. But by a standing arrangement with my psychiatrist, at times like this I add Clonazepam (aka Klonopin, a mood stabilizer) to the mix, just to be on the safe side.

Actually, aside from being a little tired, I feel as “normal” as I can recall having felt in quite a while. I’m trying to appreciate it while it lasts, because it won’t. What’ll happen eventually is that all of a sudden my sense of being an ordinary person like everyone else will vanish, my reasons for thinking so will seem illusory, and it will seem crystal clear to me that my life is a waste, that I will never recover my old productivity, and that the attempt on this blog, for instance, to chronicle what it is like to have bipolar disorder will seem not constructive and maybe even courageous, but pointless and even inappropriate. And then I’ll just have to suck it up until things improve again.