Mood Watch - 47

Still OK. The only thing I’ve noticed is that between last Friday and Monday, I felt rather sluggish and tired. I wasn’t in poor spirits and I was getting plenty of sleep, but somehow I never felt rested. Just prior to that, however, I was just the opposite: more energized and focused, and although sleeping sufficiently, was wide awake as soon as I got out of bed.

In both instances, the differences were such mild departures from “normal” that, were it not for the knowledge I have bipolar disorder, I doubt I would have noticed them at all. Still, when managing this illness, it never hurts to keep on your toes. In fact, it’s foolish to do anything else.

Mood Watch - 46

My mood continues to be good these days. Only caveat (and there always seems to be one) is that for the past couple of nights I have slept less than usual — maybe 3.5 hours/night. I was able to break that emerging pattern, though, by increasing my sleep medication to the maximum allowed by the prescription, and by working extra hard to maintain what is artfully known as “good sleep hygiene.”

As is so often the case, in recent weeks I’ve been in touch with three people, two of them undergraduates here at OSU, who sought me out because they have bipolar disorder and have felt they have know one in their lives who understands the disorder, or, at least, understands it from the inside. Talking with such people always makes me feel as if I’m doing something worthwhile, and I’m proud to have the chance.

Mood Watch - 45

I had a change of meds almost three months ago and by and large, it’s improved things greatly. My one caveat is that in early February I had a couple of anxiety attacks that initially presented as something like the flu, because the main thing I noticed was a lot of nausea — in fact at one point I actually vomited.

Once I caught on to what was really going on, however, I took 2 mg of clonazepam (the generic equivalent of klonopin), followed by 1 mg each day for the next couple of days. I was amazed by how promptly and completely that took care of things. Which just goes to underscore the fact that, despite the stigma that clings to it, this is a biochemical illness.

Mood Watch - 44

Overall, I had a very nice holiday break. Didn’t notice any real shifts in mood. I did, however, notice a couple of fluctuations in energy level — the first in mid-December and the second at month’s end. The duration for each was about three days.

Mood Watch - 43

Since my last “Mood Watch” I went through yet another depression. This one lasted about eight days. It’s hard to know exactly when these things begin, although they lift so abruptly that there’s usually no ambiguity about the terminus. As in most cases, it didn’t prevent me from doing everything I absolutely had to do, but it wiped me out in terms of getting anything else done.

I’ve been OK — in good spirits, actually — for about ten days now. But the depressive spells have been so frequent since mid-September that, although individually I can correlate them to a particular circumstance, in aggregate it now looks more like one long depression with brief reprieves, which certainly suggests a strong biochemical underpinning. However, that’s really just an educated guess. I suspect that would be the case even if a gaggle of psychiatrists observed me every minute. There’s just so much about mood disorders we still don’t know.

One thing we do know: you can’t “snap out of” or “power through” a depression. I don’t get that kind of thing as much as I used to — in fact, most of my close friends are very supportive — but occasionally it still happens. And when it does, for the most part it reflects not a concern for me but rather for the person offering the “advice.” They find it inconvenient to be around someone who is depressed, and the easiest solution is to talk and act as if it isn’t an illness but a character defect.

Ironically, the effect is generally the reverse of the one intended, since it simply increases the sense of shame and isolation felt by a person suffering from depression. Those who experience strong, consistent support generally recover more quickly.

Mood Watch - 42

From October 31 through November 5 I was on the road again, this time for a brief research trip combined with attendance at the annual meeting of the Southern Historical Association, which has a deserved reputation as one of the more pleasant conferences in the historical profession. Unlike my previous trips, I had no responsibilities that put me in the public eye, I made sure to rest and relax more often, and I had a thoroughly good time. It was almost like a vacation. I returned to Columbus, still in good spirits, and had exactly three more good days. Then I fell into one of the blackest depressions I can recall.

This particular episode lasted about six days. As usual its onset and departure were abrupt. But it felt existential rather than biochemically based, and the very fact of its occurrence exploded the hypothesis that the connection between travel and follow-on depression was principally a function of adrenalin, stress and fatigue. In fact, it plainly points back to an earlier hypothesis, namely that the travels are good for me, and my return from them necessarily involves returning to an environment I do not like and which both my therapist and psychiatrist have warned me for years is a “toxic” environment that, in their view, is heavily complicit in the depressions. Which is to say it plays a significant role in both their frequency and severity.

This is actually good news, I suppose, because it gives me something external to address, instead of supposing that it’s all biochemical and therefore beyond my reach except through pharmacology. The trick, however, is going to be finding a constructive way to address the problem. But I’ll think of something.

To repeat a point made earlier, isn’t exactly easy to set down these thoughts in a forum that anyone with an Internet connection can read. I would imagine that while some people consider it courageous, others consider it self absorbed or even exhibitionist. I wish I didn’t care what people think, but I do. And so writing these entries is often a matter of just gritting my teeth and doing it. Still, emails like this one underscore the fact that I’m performing a needed service. I received it at the end of October, and am sharing it with the writer’s permission:

I just wanted to take a moment to respond to your most recent posts. I’ve been through two periods of depression / anxiety (about 3-6 days each) since moving out to ______, and I wanted to say that reading your post helped me to feel something — “better” or “more normal,” I guess, for lack of a different word at present.

While I obviously wouldn’t wish depression on you, I’m glad that you shared your thoughts. Additionally, I noted your post from 9/21 and frankly, I hope that you decide not to discontinue the blog. It seems like your decision towards openness, including the blog, has made a difference to a number of people (myself included), and I hope that it has brought you more peace and strength than you’re aware of.