Mood Watch - 40

Plainly this blog interests me a lot less than it used to. I maintain my professional blog with a fair degree of regularity — in part because whenever I attend conferences, visit archives, etc., I invariably meet readers who appreciate the blog and tell me so. I feel therefore as if I’m performing a useful service.

With this blog, however, I feel very differently. I’m not sure I’m performing a useful service even to myself. True, on the positive side I have this year encountered at least ten individuals with bipolar disorder or similar conditions. It’s not that hard. A few have contacted me after reading the piece I did a year ago for Inside Higher Ed. But most contacts have occurred after I drop into a conversation the fact that I have bipolar disorder. The opportunity occurs more often than one would think. When I do so, invariably I am approached afterward, rather furtively, by some individual who also has bipolar disorder. Without exception they have kept the condition a closely guarded secret. They’re afraid. They worry what their families will think, their friends, employers, lovers. Often the conversations they strike up with me mark the first time they have spoken openly about the disorder. They are full of questions — what medications I take, what strategies I employ to lead a (more or less) “normal” life, etc.

But mostly they wonder how it is that I have the courage or foolhardiness to treat the condition as if it were an illness like any other. Don’t people look at me funny? Aren’t my colleagues skittish about dealing with me? Have they not written me off as anyone who could produce work of consequence? And in truth, I am morally convinced that some people regard me as the ghost of a once promising historian.

Too bad. I’m convinced that in being open about the disorder I have made the right decision. It enables me to draw upon the support of friends. It helps me to grow in a spiritual sense: I feel more at home with myself; and I can look at my increasingly middle-aged face in the mirror and believe that I possess at least a smidgin of courage and intgrity. But much more importantly, it gives me the chance to talk to people who are similarly circumstanced. Most of them have hidden their disorder to such a degree that, regardless of what statistics may say, they simply cannot believe that there are others like them — still less that this and similar disorders are as common as dirt.

Anyway, as to my mood itself: Overall it has been surprisingly good for the past several months. And I notice that the occasional bad spells correlate strongly to circumstances. Fortunately I’ve enjoyed considerable success in distancing myself psychologically from those circumstances. I’ve truly been amazed by what a difference that has made. In my opinion it has been a greater factor than any of the several medications in my arsenal.

Mood Watch - 39

Things have been good, generally speaking, since the last installment of “Mood Watch.” I’ve been productive around the house (especially yard work) and also in my writing. Last week, for instance, I completed an 11,000-word essay for a forthcoming edited volume. I was able to adhere to my writing schedule and on most days composed 1,500-2,000 words.

The one glitch occurred this past weekend, starting on Friday the 27th and extending through Tuesday of this week. When this stuff happens my first thought always runs to biochemistry, but I’m learning to look more closely at my circumstances and the way in which they may be influencing my mood. In this instance, I concluded it was the latter more than the former.

Mood Watch - 38

Obviously I’ve blown off this blog for nearly three months. I’ve been busy with other things, but mostly I just haven’t felt inclined to write, although I’ve kept up reasonably well with my professional blog.

My mood during this period has, by and large, been quite good. Aside from minor bouts with insomnia or hypersomnia, I haven’t had any trouble. I attribute this to three things: First, I think the Lamictal I’ve been taking for several months is actually doing its job as an anti-depressant. Second, I have a friend who is enthusiastically helping me convert my jungle of a back yard into an orderly, appealing garden — being in pleasant surroundings has done me a lot of good. Third and most importantly, I’ve identified an area of my life that was sapping my energy, creating or exacerbating my depressions, and in general doing me no good at all. I feel no need to be specific, except to say that it has nothing to do with any particular individual. But both my therapist and psychiatrist have urged me to “disinvest” in that environment. I’ve done so and have been startled by how much better I feel.

Mood Watch - 37

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been nineteen days since my last Mood Watch. Though actually, come to think of it, nineteen days isn't all that bad.

Hard on the heels of my last trip (to the Chicago area), I took another, this time to Vermont. I went there to be a presenter at a symposium, but I arrived on Friday, March 30, a couple of days before it began. Checked into a lovely bed and breakfast and spent most of the weekend with a friend of mine who showed me around the central part of the state.

Aside from four quick business trips to Boston, I'd never been to New England before, much less Vermont. Everyone I met apologized for the scenery -- it was "stick season": too late for the winter snow and too early for the green of spring and summer and the beauty of the turning leaves in autum. But I thought the state was just lovely: lots of rushing streams, quaint villages and small towns nestled between the shoulders of mountains. All in all, I had a lovely time.

The symposium was fun, too. It has that reputation -- the organizers brings in good speakers, install them at the Northfield Inn, and everyone gets pretty well acquainted, not just over the rich breakfasts but especially in the evenings, when everyone kicks back in the living room/dining room area, cracks open a beer (or six) and talks into the wee hours.

I boarded a flight home on Wednesday afternoon. It figured that after such an enjoyable six days I'd feel a bit of a letdown afterward, but I was surprised -- even shocked -- by how quickly the bottom dropped out of my mood. By the following day I felt so anxious and nearly faint that I had to cancel a class, something I hate to do. Things didn't improve for a full week. Then, as quickly as it hit, the depression lifted. To my mind, that's the very signature of a biochemically based depression.

Mood Watch - 36

From about March 12 through March 21, I hit kind of a bad patch, but of the sort that illustrates the subtleties of bipolar disorder. The symptoms aren’t always the classic ones. During that period I was “down” most of the time, but the two principal features were hypersomnia and what I’ve heard a psychiatrist characterize as a “reduction in mental coordination.” By that phrase, he meant a marked decrease in one’s ability to do sustained creative work (like research and writing).

But in other respects I was okay. For instance, I continued to enjoy activities that I would ordinarily find pleasant; e.g., watching movies, spending time with friends, and working at the animal shelter.

If I can point to anything tangible that pulled me out of it, it was a trip this past weekend to the Chicago area, where I was one of the presenters at a conference. I found the experience energizing. I’m not sure if it was the conference or the travel: I often find that my mood improves when I’m on the road. But in any event the transition comes at a good time, since Spring Quarter has begun and I’ve got a busy schedule ahead.

Mood Watch - 35

A lot’s been going on of late, and most of it hasn’t been pleasant. But to the extent that I can detach circumstances from biochemistry, I think the biochemical aspect is still running smoothly. Most nights I get enough sleep (but not too much), my energy level is OK (but not too much), and if I feel miserable at times, it’s pretty much the way anyone in my position would feel miserable. The one nice thing in all this has been the way my friends have rallied around me. And anyway, it’s impossible to be miserable all the time. I still have a lot of good moments, too.